Slipping
by Yosem Tiva
Summary: Tony is having a rough time and can't keep his mask in place any longer.WARNING:this story has mention of self-harm, considering and contemplating of suicide, mention of rape no graphic description, and a hint of past child abuse. rated M 4 a reason.
1. Disappointed

**Title: Slipping**

**Category: family, angst, hurt, Drama, suspense, open-ended**

**WARNING: This story is not for young readers. I cannot stress this enough, but this story has mention of self-harm, considering and contemplating of suicide, mention of rape no graphic description, and a hint of past child abuse. Please, DO NOT read this if u r under age for this story. Again, NOT for young readers. And, please tread carefully. It's not an easy read. U have been warned. Unbeta'd.**

**Rating: M for mature content.**

**Summary: Tony is having a rough time dealing with Gibbs and can't keep his mask in place any longer. He cannot face the pressure with his usual deflecting techniques any more.**

**Spoilers: None**

**Pairing: None.**

**Characters: Tony, Gibbs, and the team.**

**Slipping [disappointed]**

Tony stared blankly at the shinning edge of the knife in front of him. He was amazed how the small light of the candle could make a small object shine so brightly. How that tip of the knife could have no worries at all in the world, only doing its job. Shinning. How could a dooming object shine so brightly after knowing that it could end a life with no care in the world? Tony kept twirling the blade of the knife in his hands as he kept staring at it for all the curiosity in the world.

The inner desire he had for a while nagging at him to finally act upon it. He had been having the same nagging feelings for several weeks now.

Tony wracked his mind to find the right moment when his buried desire started to appear and play on his nerves each and every minute of the day.

He looked back at the past few weeks. He realized that it must've started when Gibbs kept breathing down his neck to find a clue to solve the case. A mother and her daughter were killed brutally after being _raped_, both the mother and the ten years old child.

Gibbs kept swatting the back of his head every time he walked through the bull pen. Tony knew how this case affected Gibbs and reminded him of a long buried past. Tony vowed to endure whatever Gibbs threw his way, but he never expected the slicing words Gibbs bellowed in front of the whole team when he couldn't find a paper trail on their perp when Gibbs was back from his coffee stop.

''I'm disappointed in you Tony''

Tony was sure that his heart had stopped at that point. He froze mid his work and looked up at Gibbs's ice blue eyes searching for any clue of a lie or a joke. He found none. None. Gibbs was completely sincere. Honest. He was disappointed in him. Disappointed. In him. Tony wasn't sure what shocked him the most; the revelation or being called by his first name while being reprimanded.

His breath was caught in his throat as he remembered the very scarring memory and the beginning of his going down to hell. Where he felt right now. Hell.

He remembered how Gibbs's sad face stared down at him for a few more minutes before heading for his own desk. Tony has then taken a deep breath trying to get a hold of his emotions. He worked himself to the limit of having no sleep at all for over than 48 hours. He remembered how Ziva and McGee kept eyeing him while working. He remembered how Gibbs had plainly ignored him.

His co-workers came and went as he kept working, not even stopping to have any kind of food or water. Gibbs also went and came, never sparing Tony a second glance.

Even Abby came up as she tried coaxing him to eat some of her food. He refused as he kept working and staring at his screen as long as he can without blinking. His eyes had long since turned into angry red and purple circles appeared under his eyes. If his co workers didn't know he has been working none stop for the past 2 days, they would have said that he might have been in a fight.

Tony finally found the evidence they needed to apprehend their suspect and put him in prison for life. Tony declared that with a raspy voice from the lack of usage. He even managed to excel McGee at his own field of searching.

Then the next scar that would never heal in Tony's heart came.

''Took you long enough, DiNozzo'' Gibbs stated as he grabbed his gear not even sparing Tony a grateful glance.

''You stay hear, McGee, David. Let's go''

Tony's heart tightened in his chest at that command. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''_. He had been always on Gibbs's six. He was being rejected. Tony breathed heavily when the elevator doors finally closed on its cargo.

Tony has rushed to the men's room and entered the first cubicle he saw. He gagged and retched as his heart tightened more as he tried to grasp the meaning of the hysteria he was about to have. He took deep breaths, stood up, and washed his pale face with tired and shaky hands. He set his jaw and gritted his teeth in determination to do the right thing.

He had written his report meticulously and dropped it on Gibbs's desk. He took his pack bag and left.

Tony reached his apartment and collapsed on the floor the moment he closed the door. If it wasn't for Abby's worrying nature he would have been dead by now. Maybe that would have been better. Dead. Just that simple. Disappointed.

Tony's next memory was Abby's hysterical crying and Ducky tapping his cheeks as he tried to wake him up.

Abby has called the entire team. _Including_ Gibbs_. ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. _

They were all surrounding him around his bed. When did he get there?

They all looked concerned. Gibbs's face was as expressionless as usual. That was when Tony had had enough. He no longer needed _him_.

Ducky said that he was malnourished and collapsed from fatigue and exhaustion and needed to have some healthy food and water.

''I AM FINE'' he snapped at them.

He endured Abby's fussing for a while and wore the ''I'm-just-peachy-and-cheerful'' face as she cooked him some food. He managed to down it all and keep there. Always smiling at her.

Finally they left. Alone. Gibbs hasn't said a single word during the gathering they made around Tony. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ Gibbs's face was blank as he left. Maybe a little sad. Disappointed. Tony couldn't hold it anymore as he ran for the bathroom. He emptied the contents of his stomach._ ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

Tony spent that night in his bed staring at the ceiling in the darkness. Thinking for the first time of the various ways someone one could get rid of this kind of pain. He felt the pain in his veins coursing through every bone of his body.

He tried taking deep breaths to calm his ragging soul inside. He could feel his heart starting to tighten more inside his chest. His heart seemed like a battered child trying to curl himself in a ball and block the world. Tony slept that night curling into a ball on his bed.

The next week Tony pretended like nothing had happened. He kept joking with his co-workers and kept his mask in place. Slowly as the days went he could feel that his face no longer was willing to fake that happy smile anymore. He tried to keep it, but its appearance was reduced to minimum every day passing. It was only used in necessary cases and directed at Gibbs when Tony told him what he found about a case.

Gibbs seemed to ignore Tony more as the days slipped by and Tony's act seemed unfazed, but inside his heart seemed to twist and tighten more. His throat would seem not allowing any air when most needed. His heart was no longer beating rhythmically. It would sometimes hammer in his chest willing Tony to burst into small pieces and others it would wrap itself trying to shield itself from the world.

Tony started looking for something that would ease the pain. He tried putting his pain into eating, but ended up throwing up heavily in his bathroom. The thought of even eating now would make him gag. He no longer ate, only to show his friends that he was just fine. He lost a lot of weight and his face was turning more hollow by the day.

He had thought about taking it out on alcohol, but remembering his father hitting him to a pulp after being royally drunk made him make a trip to the bathroom again. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. _

Then Tony started spending more hours at the NCIS gym hitting bags with his bare hands. It felt good for a while. Feeling the pain in his hands seemed to scare the pain in his heart for a while. It felt good to have those scraped knuckles unless you have to justify them.

However after a week of this routine, the pain seemed to resurface in waves when Gibbs added another scar to his already bleeding heart.

Tony noticed that Gibbs had been eyeing him for the past half an hour openly. It has been two weeks since Tony last joked around the office. Only doing his work and then fleeting from there. He could tell that they have noticed the difference. He tried to keep the mask in place, but his heart was just hammering at him trying to get out of his chest. Gibbs then commanded him of what led him to where he sat now staring at the fascinating blade. Shinning. In the dark.

''DiNozzo, go get us a round of coffee.''

''On it boss''

''Good, wouldn't know what we would do with you if we didn't have another use for you around the office'' Gibbs muttered to himself, but Tony's acute hearing picked it up.

His heart constricted and tightened as the lump in his throat rose. His heart was crying like a small child that got hit by a car and found no one to pick him up. No mommy or daddy to kiss his wounds better. Rejected. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''_.

Tony had done what Gibbs wanted and after work he went home.

He sat on his couch. He took off his sig and put on the table. He then took out his knife from his belt.

It was then that the lights went out. He stared in the dark at the lightly shinning knife. He got up and found some candles in the kitchens. He lightened them and sat back on the couch, candles on the coffee table.

He started staring at his sig and then shook his head. No, a bullet won't take away the pain right now. It would be too messy. It must need tending to and justification. That would come later. Disappointed, _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''_.

His emerald green eyes now flicked back to the knife shinning on the coffee table. He took it up in his hands and stared at it. Such a small object. Such an innocent appearance. Shinning. Looking happily back at him.

He just sat that night staring and staring at the gleeful blade smiling back at him in the darkness. He knew now how he could take the pain away. He stared and stared all night until he fell asleep with only one thought in mind. Disappointed.

The next day Tony couldn't take it any more. Ziva and McGee have been trying to coax him to say anything. To laugh at them. With them. To do anything, but work. They kept throwing paper balls at him as he ignored them.

''DiNozzo, stop slacking around'' Gibbs had ordered.

Tony's face reddened at that order. Ziva and McGee snickered at the misunderstanding. Tony didn't reply at all as they all expected. He just kept writing his reports. His heart tightened even more demanding him to leave that painful place at once.

Tony had written an e-mail for a 3 days leave request and sent it to the director. Not to Gibbs. He didn't state the reason listing it as personal. The director sent back his approval of the leave.

Now, Tony sat holding that knife again in his hand as he watched it shine. He had turned off all the lights and lit the candles again. He placed his sig in his line of vision while he watched the mesmerizing fire from the candle sway around just like a beautiful belly dancer from one of Bond's movies.

He couldn't resist it anymore and stretched his left hand and swept it through the joyful fire dancing gently in the darkness of the night. It took a second to register the pain that reached his finger tips. Tony drew his hand back from the small flame. He stared at his angry pink finger tips. His mind seemed to concentrate only on his hand. For a whole minute he didn't even feel that he had a heart and then it came back. Disappointed._ ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''_. The tightens of his heart seemed to lessen a little. He smiled a feral smile as he looked back at the happy fire and then looked down at his right hand where the knife was still shinning in the darkness. Shinning.

Tony twirled the knife in his hand a little more before he started to lower it to meet the flesh of his left wrist. He stopped for a moment. His mind was blank for a moment, but then it returned and his heart tightened again. Disappointed, _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

Tony looked at the shinning blade as it started to cut his smooth olive skin on his wrest. Disappointed, _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ Tony cut even deeper when the pain seemed to increase. He could hear Gibbs's disappointed voice in his head. His sad disappointed look. His sincerest expression. Dissapointed.

He saw the small trickles of blood starting to trickle along the shinning blade and down his wrist and dripping onto the floor. He held the knife back and the pain in his wrest was all that existed. He stared for a long time as the blood kept slipping from his hand. He could feel the pain slipping away with the blood that started to pool on the floor. It was mesmerizing as the blood kept dripping down lazily from the open wound as a herd of ants escaping with a piece of sugar they had found and try to escape with. Tony stared and stared and felt nothing. Only the pain in his hand. His mind and heart no longer existed. Only his hand. Disappointed._ ''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. _ Tony watched as the lazy trail of blood seemed to finally stop and clot from the superficial wound.

He raised the knife in his right hand as he looked curiously at the blood covering its innocent surface. He finally was able to drown his pain to the back of his mind. He kept staring at the blade that now shone an angry red color.

Tony sat back on the couch and felt how exhausted he felt inside. He didn't feel his heart wanting to curl up on itself like every night. He felt his heart relax and stretch as if it was a child napping peacefully in its crib. He put back the angry knife on the coffee table and stared into space for a little while.

Finally, He moved his exhausted body slowly until he was lying down on the couch. He closed his eyes and fell into a less fitful sleep for the first time in a month.


	2. Rejected

**WARNING: This story is NOT for young readers. Please DO NOT read if u are under age to this story. Mention of self-harm in this chapter and a little hint of considering and contemplating suicide. Still not an easy read. If it's not ur thing do Not read. Tread carefully.**

**Slipping [chapter 2] Rejected**

The next morning Tony jerked awake at the peeping noise of his alarm clock. He sat up and discovered that he slept on the couch. He yawned and walked slowly to the bedroom to stop the annoying continuous peeping.

Tony walked on autopilot as he rubbed his sleepy eyes with the back of his hands as he finally reached the annoying machine and shut it off. He fell into his bed as tried to get back to sleep.

His eyes snapped open suddenly as the events of last night came back flooding in waves. It hit him in the gut like a bullet. He gasped as he sharply sat up in bed. His breathing became labored as he raised his right hand to look at the damage he has made.

His right arm had a deep long angry cut that went from the beginning of his palm to midway to his elbow. The blood had clotted around the wound and left trails of dried blood all over his wrest. Disappointed, _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

Tony suddenly stood up and rushed to the bathroom trying to throw up helplessly, but his miserable stomach was already empty since yesterday. He dry-heaved for a long time as he held the toilet with both his hands for dear life.

Finally, he stopped breathing heavily as he sat on the floor of the bathroom. His forehead was wet with sweat. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

''What've I done, what've I done?'' Tony started to whisper in a mantra as he tried to stand up from the cold floor. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

When Tony finally stood up on his shaky legs, he held tightly to the sink edges. Tony started to feel the pain that faded yesterday come back to him. His heart tightened and twisted in his chest as he stared at himself in the mirror still keep the same mantra ''what've I done, what've I done?''.

Tony could see that the cut was gonna leave a scar. Good. He felt confused and ashamed. That was a good reminder of the moment when he longer had any pain left in him. That was bad. What if someone found out? What was he supposed to say? Disappointed. Rejected. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. _ Good. Bad. He no longer knew, but the pain in his heart was still screaming at him to stop thinking and do it all over again. He knew that wasn't the right way to take away the pain. Yet, it had taken away the pain coursing through his veins. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ Rejected.

Tony breathed deeply as kept talking to himself ''what've I done? What've I done? He's already disappointed in me. What have I done? What've I done''

Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''. _He scrubbed his wrest repeatedly willing the wound to just disappear. He gasped when the wound reopened again. He fell back to that mesmerizing feeling when he saw his blood starting to trickle lazily from the wound as a calm current of a river taking an enjoyable trip. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ The pain in his heart all faded away slowly as the pain in his hand returned. He stood there frozen just watching as the blood dripped slowly and mingled with the water from the open tab. It seemed to draw a beautiful lively work of art as Tony watched his red blood turn into a pink color that mingled with the colorless water making a small spiral.

Nothing. Pain. Good. Disappointed. Tony felt nothing as he watched the blood trickling down his wrest started to slow down. After a while the blood clotted with no help from Tony as he stood still, staring at the last blood droplets disappear mixed with the running water. Nothing. Only the pain in his hand keeping him alive.

Then the pain in his heart started to resurface slowly as the pain in his wrest started to fade into a dull one. Tony took a deep shaky breath as he ran a hand through his messy hair trying to make sense of all the emotions and feelings surging through his veins, heart, head, and wrest.

''What've I done? What do I do? He's already disappointed in me.'' Tony started talking to himself again as he carefully washed his hand a second time quickly to avoid being tempted to repeat his actions again and reopen his wound all over a gain. However he didn't put any bandages over the wound. It somehow comforted him to see it. Painful. Good. It reminded him of a way to escape from Gibbs. From the disappointment. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

He walked slowly to the living room looking for the first time down at his blood stained shirt and jeans. He then looked at the couch and was relieved to find no stains on it. The carpet, however, was another issue. There was a small red brownish pool of blood near the coffee table. It seemed like a black spot on a very white and beautiful dress. The coffee table.

His eyes however got transfixed at the bloody red and shinning knife sitting on the coffee table. Shinning. Tony moved slowly towards the table. He stared at the knife as he slowly lifted in his hands. He turned it over and over in his hands. His emerald green eyes turned suddenly dark as he kept watching the mesmerizing object.

How could such a small object relief him from the ever present pain. How could it make Gibbs fade away? Make Tony forget _him._ Shinning. Beautiful. Innocent.

Tony went to the kitchen and got a clean cloth and started carefully to clean the offending knife. It was totally hypnotizing as he kept removing the blood on its edges carefully as if he was taking care of an infant, rocking it to sleep.

Tony was so engrossed in his work that he didn't notice when either of his phones started ringing one after the other, nor when the machine picked up.

He cringed visibly when he heard the voice on the answer machine. He held the knife tighter in his hand, never noticing the blade that started to cut deeply through the skin of his palm. His heart was twisting and pounding against his chest trying to run away. It seemed like a caged animal trying to escape from a very threatening and dangerous environment.

_Beep-What the hell the matter with you DiNozzo? Next time you ask for a damn leave time, you come to me. Not the di-rec-tor. You better pick up or it'll be hell from me, DiNozzo…damn it…-beep_

Tony stiffened more as he looked at the answer machine as if it was really Gibbs staring him down. _No, I don't need __**him**__ anymore._ Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ Tony kept frozen in his place as Gibbs waited another minute before he hung up. Tony didn't even realize that he cut himself until he looked down at his hand.

He sighed deeply as he welcomed the new sensation to take place. He let himself feel the pain in his hand instead of his shattered heart. He looked down at his hand as he tried to remove the knife from where it now was placed deep in his palm.

He groaned silently as he watched the blood trickle down from his palm after removing the knife totally. He slid down against the wall as he kept watching the blood trickle down his hand into the kitchen floor. He never thought that seeing his own blood would relieve him like it was now. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

He watched as the blood kept trickling down his palm as a bottle of red wine shattered on the floor seeping slowly through its shattered parts is the fine wine. Discarded. Rejected.

Tony watched and watched feeling his heart finally resting against his chest. His heart seemed to beat rhythmically, slowly now. He sighed and closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the wall.

Tony was starting to feel dizzy when finally the bleeding from his right palm stopped. He got up on shaky legs and stumbled in the kitchen as he cleaned the bloody floor.

He let out a sigh when he finished as he threw away more bloody cloths in the garbage. Discarded. Rejected. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

He walked back unsteadily to the living room as he started scrubbing the carpet with some strong cleaner that he got once when he kept sustaining injuries and dirtying his furniture all around the house with blood. The cleaner quickly helped in removing the blood stains from the carpet. He put away the tools and on shaky legs took his sig and the knife as he went to his bedroom and put them on the nightstand.

Finally Tony took off all his dirty shit and jeans and threw them on the floor by the bed as he slide under the covers, only wearing some soft PJ's he found lying on his bed. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ Rejected.

Tony sighed as the dizziness kept his vision swimming. His heart was starting to constrict again in his chest. So it was the day to curl into a ball. Tony wrapped his hands around his knees as he tried to will his heart to stop aching for the man who no more respected him. The only man he wished for his approval. The only man he looked up to guide him and have his back. The only one he felt with how a father should treat his son. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he rested his chin on his knees and tried to calm his mourning heart.

Tony fell asleep after an hour and a half of staring at the clean and shinning knife on his nightstand and the sig that sat quietly beside it.


	3. Cuts like a knife

**WARNING: Again, I will repeat. This story is NOT for young readers. Please do Not read if you're underage. This chapter has mention of self-harm and an attempt of suicide. If it's not ur cup of tea, do Not read. Still not an easy read. Tread carefully.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or its characters. So, I own nothing.**

**Slipping, Chapter3 [Cuts like a knife]**

When Tony woke up, he still felt sick and light headed. He thought about eating but grimaced as the nausea threatened to overwhelm him.

Tony sat up in his bed and peered at the clock by his nightstand. It was 1430 in the afternoon. He slept for approximately 3 hours since _Gibbs_ called him.

Tony looked at his answer machine and found that he had at least a dozen messages. Abby. It had to be her. She was still the only one caring about him. The last one that wasn't disappointed in him. Not rejected. Not disappointed.

Tony got up and pressed the button to hear the messages. To Tony's surprise, he heard Ziva's concerned voice.

_Beep- Tony…Are you alright? Is it something serious?_ Tony could almost feel Ziva's guarded tone as she spoke…_ I know that McGee and I were not… treating you well recently… Are you sick Tony?_ Ziva's concerned whisper reached Tony's ear…. _I will be stopping by today after work to check up on you Tony, be safe - Beep_

Ziva's cautious and concerned voice seemed to calm Tony a little. She noticed something. She admitted that she and McGee have been taunting him recently. She apologized. Apologized. He mattered to her. She's scared of losing him. Good. Bad. She might come and find out about what he did. What will she do? Will she judge him? Will she be disgusted by him for doing what he did? Will she leave as soon as she sees _them_? Will she be disappointed? Disappointed. Will she reject him? Worthless of her attention. Worthless. Rejected. Disappointed.

Tony's thoughts got darker as started to caress the closed wound on his wrest. He let his fingertips stroke the edge of his clotted blood. It felt rough to the touch. It reminded him of when he helped smoothing the rough edges of the boat's wood with Gibbs in his basement. _Gibbs and his basement._

Tony's heart hammered in his chest. He felt that he was a trapped animal, like when he was at the office, when Gibbs declared his disappointment in him. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ Rejected. Worthless.

Tony breathed deeply trying to calm his pounding heart as he again absently ran his fingertips against the healing wound on his wrest and palm. He tried to compose himself as he heard the next message.

_Beep-…uhh...um… Tony?…Are you gonna be okay?_ Naïve Tim, always thinking that everything could be easily fixed._ well…I …I'm going to stop by and see if you're okay…just to check up on you…um...'k bye-Beep_

Poor Timothy. He thinks everything has a remedy. See if Tony was okay! Like that was going to solve anything. At least he wasn't disappointed, Tony thought angrily as he started picking on the still freshly wounded flesh. He started pulling at parts of the clotted blood causing his wound to open again. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ His heart was tightening in his chest all over again. It was hammering irregularly against his chest demanding to be relieved from the heavy burden.

Tony was starting to feel trapped as he kept running his fingers over his fresh wounds, picking on them as small droplets of blood trickled down from his wrest and palm. He held his breath as he heard Abby's voice on the background.

_Beep- Hi Tonyboy, what's happening? where're you? You're late-Beep_

_Beep- hey Tonyyyyy…are you still asleep? What's happening? Call me-Beep_

_Beep- Anthony DiNozzo, will you pick the damn phone up? McGee texted me saying that Gibbs just discovered that you took a three days leave without his permission!-Beep_

_Beep- Tony I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just want to make sure you're okay. Are you okay?...Tony?-Beep_

_Beep- Tony? Tony what's goin on? Gibbs is all furious and growling, he came down my lab and almost smacked me on the back of my head._ **Bastard**, Tony thought as he started squeezing his wound and opening it all over again._ Me Tony. _Tony could hear Abby sniffing in the background._ What did he do to you Tony?_ Abby quite voice reached Tony as he kept staring at his wound bleeding all over his pj's_ I know he did something or said something wrong…will you just pick up?-Beep_

_Beep- Tony? Are you mad at me? Tony, what's happening? I'm coming to check up on you after work Mister-Beep_

_Beep- Anthony my boy. Are you okay lad? Jethro seems rather furious and Abigail came down to autopsy crying saying that you won't answer your phone. I shall swing by your apartment, just to make sure you're alright my boy. Goodbye for now-Beep_

Tony just sighed as he leaned his back on the bed as his wound was re-opened again. He could feel Abby's concerns. He knew that she cared. He didn't mean to hurt her like that. He did it again. He disappointed the only ones that cared enough about him. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ He was nothing but disappointment to others. Worthless. Rejected. Bastard. Disappointment.

The wound in his hand wasn't giving him enough solace to comfort his heart aches. The blood kept trickling down, but the pain wasn't fading.

Tony was starting to feel claustrophobic. He felt his chest tightening as his heart started thumping wildly in his chest. He needed to run. The pain in his hand wasn't distracting him enough. The pain was turning dull again and he couldn't help but remember Gibbs's sincere disappointed ice blue eyes staring him down. He squeezed his wound as tight as he could and he groaned as he saw more blood seeping quickly through his wound. Small purple bruises were starting to form around the wound where Tony's firm grip held tightly. Tony groaned in a small voice as he felt more pain course through his hand. Good. It felt good to have nothing but pain on your mind. No _Gibbs._ No Disappointment. No rejection. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

Tony moaned weakly as his heart tightened more in his chest. This wasn't happening; he needed to run away from his thoughts. He didn't need to think about them. About the disappointment. He needed more pain. He needed distraction. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._

Tony heard the phone ringing again, but he was far too wrapped in his haze that he didn't care to shut it. The gruff voice seemed to drown him more in his painful hazy state as heard the irritated voice speak.

_Beep- DiNozzo? Are you awake yet? Answer the damn phone…DiNozzo? Okay, we'll see about you breaking the damn rules-Beep_

Tony was frantic now; his wrest and palm were already bleeding profusely. Tony needed to wash away these painful feelings. His heart seemed to tighten more as if it was squeezed against his chest. It felt as if someone took his heart and determined to just play pressure practice with it.

Tony gritted his teeth as he sat up straighter on the bed ready to threw up from the nausea and the complete overwhelming overload of painful, confusing feelings. Ziva worried. Disappointed. Tim concerned. Disappointed. Abby…crying. He hurt her. Disappointed. Ducky…disapproving. Gibbs…_Gibbs_…_Gibbs_. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ _It'll be __**hell**__ from me, DiNozzo._

''No, no, no, no, no, no, no'' Tony kept repeating as he held his knees close to his chest trying to well away the ache ness that kept coursing through his worn out body.

They all seemed disappointed in him. He was worthless. He was rejected. They worried because they were disappointed about him. They were waiting for him to make the next mistake. He was worthless. They were **tired** of him. _Disappointed_. _You'll end up in the gutter, boy. Get up and take your beatings like a man, boy. You're nothing but a disappointment and a big mistake boy._

''Nothing but a big mistake. Big mistake. Disappointed. Hell. Toomuch. Big mistake. Gutter. Disappointed. Disappointed. Too much.'' Tony's ramblings were becoming incoherent as much as his shaken mind. Tony kept repeating this intangible mantra holding his head tightly in his hands as he started to pull at his hair. Several strands got cut with Tony's fists as he looked hypnotized by the damage he caused to his precious hair.

''Too much. Too much. Too much'' Tony started another mantra as his weak body stopped rocking back and forth.

Determined, Tony grasped his shinning knife tightly from his nightstand. He had to do something, but he didn't know what that _something_ was. Tony slowly stood from his bed fighting the dizziness and his misty vision. He was overwhelmed by the painful feelings that kept coursing through his veins._ Too much. Too much_. Tony walked slowly through his room as he finally reached the door. He leaned heavily on the door as he searched for a way to ease his pain.

When Tony's phone started ringing again and the answer machine picked up, Tony all but dropped the shiny knife and bolted for the bathroom. He had to run away from this agony. He caught the first few words as he shut the bathroom door roughly.

_Beep- Tony? Are you okay? I haven't heard from you…I'm getting worried... I'm coming over… _

''TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH. TOO GODAMN MUCH. TOO MUCH'' Tony started shouting in his bathroom as he started hitting the walls with his bare fists, and kicking it with his feet.

Tony started breaking the small elegant glass bottles and anything that his eye caught. He held every item and threw it on the floor and kept screaming.

''GET OUT OF MY HEAD. TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH'' Tony shouted as he started hammering the mirror with his bare fists.

The mirror shattered into small pieces on the floor. Tony didn't even realize, in his frenzy, that small pieces of glass were starting to cut through his skin and bury themselves deep. He only focused on a rather big broken and shinning piece of glass that sat on the floor.

Tony sat on the floor with a thud, never registering the pain sparkling on all his lower section as his legs were grazed by a lot of small broken glass sitting on the floor underneath him.

Tony took the sparkling piece of glass while heavily panting and starting to cut his clean wrest. Shinning. Beautiful. He raised the piece of glass to meet his tanned skin. Disappointed. _''I'm disappointed in you Tony''._ He started cutting deep at the memory, long line in his hand. His breathing was starting to deepen as the wound started bleeding freely. But the pain in his heart was still too much. Too much. Tony raised the knife again and as it met his skin, he tugged it deeper. Tony drew the knife cutting through his skin for a long minute. Then he finally released the offending piece of glass that tore through his already wounded palm. The two wounds on his arm were both long, starting from his palm and all the way to his wrest.

Tony sighed deeply as he sank more onto the floor as the blood from his second wound started to seep rapidly. The flood of his bright red blood seemed like a prisoner who finally got to escape the confines of his dark room.

Tony could feel his soul seeping through his veins and escaping as more blood kept pouring out of his several wounds. It felt good. Away with his soul were his pains and aches fleeing away.

Tony sighed as a choked sob escaped his throat. He no more felt their disappointment in him. No more Gibbs. They cannot reach him now. Good. Bad. Good.

Tony's vision was getting more blurry as he relaxed slumped on the floor. His head hit another piece of glass when he slid to the floor, but he didn't mind or care.

His mind seemed to buzz. It was all just humming now. And his arms. No thinking. Tony closed his eyes as he couldn't concentrate any longer. He felt the darkness pull him, but he stayed mid-way enjoying the peace he felt. His mind dazed. His body too shocked, but to react to the pain in his wrests. Blank. Tony felt like his body has just melted into the floor.

Tony's foggy and unfocused mind didn't register the repeated knocking on the door or when the apartment door was bolted open. Tony felt someone shouting his name. Saying something. Someone feeling all over his body for unexplainable reason. Then the rough hands kept pressure on his painful seeping wounds. Saying strange soft words that didn't consent with the gruff demeanor.

'' 'orri '' Tony slurred as he tried to open his eyes to explain. ''S..ssorry…..'orri to disappoint you boss'' Tony said as the darkness finally won the battle and took over his soul.


End file.
